WTF

Usually when I sit down to write, I have a topic in mind.  Something I've thought about for a while, something that I either find meaningful or humorous or both.  But all that is going through my mind right now is What the Fuck.

Given my propensity for introspection, (or my propensity for being lazy - it's certainly possible that I spend so much time analyzing things only because I can do it while sitting still) I had to sit here and try to figure out what brain cells are generating this thought and why they aren't being more productive, doing something like making out a grocery list or solving today's Sudoku.  And that's when it hit me.

After four years of not dating, four years of really not wanting to date, I've developed an interest in someone.  Okay, it may just be a crush, but this is the first time in four years I've considered the possibility that my feelings might be more than a crush.  I mean, this is scary stuff, guys!!  On its own, that would be worthy of at least a couple of WTF moments.  But it gets worse.

First, he's absolutely not my type - physically.  He's bald, graying, and a bit paunchy.  None of this is awful stuff, but I'm one of those I'll-fight-aging-with-my-dying-breath types, and I tend to like men who are slim and at least color their hair when those gray hairs begin to appear.  So it makes sense that it's just a temporary crush and next time I see him I'll think, "D'oh!  Of course I'm not really attracted to him!"

Except that I found him oddly attractive the first time I met him.  Something to do with his openness, charm, and gentleness.  Geez!  Could I possibly be willing to toss aside my shallowness for this??

Next, he is totally the wrong zodiac sign for me.  His chart, in fact, is all earth, air and water - not a hint of fire!  I'm mostly fire, with a bit of earth and a little water - no air at all.  So, you're probably thinking (unless you're thinking, "Hey, dipshit - who cares about that stuff?!"), we could compliment each other - fill in the missing spaces and all that.  Maybe.  But it seems more likely that we'd eventually find that we don't speak the same language - or inhabit the same planet.

Then - the coup de grace - he eats meat.  As a dedicated pescetarian, the thought of innocent animals giving up their lives so I can eat them, when there are plenty of other things that will provide me nourishment without causing pain and death, causes me anguish.  It's not just that I like animals; I see eating them as being akin to murder - a slaughter of the living simply because they can't defend themselves.  Could I actually date someone who participates in this debacle?  Just because he doesn't personally pull a trigger or slit a throat?

Okay.  Now that we have all the reasons why I can't possibly be truly interested in this guy, I'm left with the disconcerting fact that I spend way too many daytime hours thinking about him.  He's even been invading my nighttime hours - popping up in my dreams - in intimate ways!!

So - as incredible as it seems - I decide that maybe the sensible thing is to just see where this goes - find out if we could possibly actually have something real between us or if my senses will return and I'll revert to my normal hermit-like existence.  But I can't do that!!  Just about the time I had that monumental epipheny - that feeling that it might be worth it to explore this - he shows up with another woman on his arm!!  Even worse - she seems like a lovely, interesting, intelligent woman.  I ask you - is this fair??

I find myself attracted to someone after swearing off men for good.  After going through all of the excellent reasons why I should run in the opposite direction, I listen to my heart (or whatever organ set me up for this) and decide I should check this out.  And he's - poof - off the market.  Really?!?  What the Fuck???