Basic version is this - girl meets guy, they hit it off, are very attracted to each other, seem to have the important things in common (values, morals), and things progress. Before thing progress too far, Girl tells Boy she has herpes. He says, "Let's be safe" and they (mostly) are. He insists she get tested (so it's now on her medical record) and take meds for it. And then - and then - he tells her he "can't get past it", he's too "scared" and walks away.
It's easy for me to tell her the right things, because I believe them. You know - if he doesn't think all the fabulous things about her are more important than that, he's a fool; if he's shallow enough to walk away from her because of that, he doesn't deserve her, anyway.
Do you think I'm being cavalier? Look, no one wants to get herpes. It sucks that it's not curable. But it isn't fatal, it isn't disfiguring, and I've heard a doctor refer to it as "essentially, only a skin disease". So, yeah, I'm ready to tell her to dismiss him as a shallow wimp. Or at least to figure that he couldn't have cared much about her - if she wasn't really important to him, anyway, then it makes sense.
However ... it occurs to me that we probably all - she and I, included - have "lines" that we wouldn't cross for someone. She didn't seem to be in the mood for a philosophical conversation, so I resorted to an internal dialogue.
What disease/condition would cause one to walk away from what could potentially be a great relationship? First, we have to (this is my query, so I get to set the terms) dismiss things that are obvious. I mean, if someone is missing both arms or is blind, you'd probably notice that up-front and if these were deal-breakers, you wouldn't go out with them in the first place. No, I'm thinking of a burgeoning relationship which suddenly is quashed.
Would I leave someone because he had diabetes? I feel fairly confident that I wouldn't, as long as he was working hard to take care of himself. Heart disease? Same deal. (Besides, I have a mild heart condition myself, so that would be bad form.) Kidney failure? Tougher call, but still probably not worth leaving someone wonderful for. MS? Okay, now we've probably found it. I've seen end-stage MS and I'm not at all sure I'd sign up to go through that with someone, no matter how much I cared.
And that was it - my "ah hah" moment. Just as those words flashed through my mind, they were replaced by a picture of Jon.
Jon is a man I was madly in love with a couple of decades ago. If there is such a thing as a soul-mate, he was mine. I wanted to spend my life with this man and I'm not good at taking no for an answer. However, no was all I ever got. Jon swore he didn't love me and he kept me at a distance, most of the time. Still, I've learned to trust my gut, regardless, and my gut told me he loved me as much as I loved him. Flash forward a couple of years and Jon tells me (finally) that yes, he's in love with me and would dearly love for us to spend our lives together, but it's not going to happen. No way, no how. He's HIV positive and that is why he has ... and will continue ... to keep me at a distance.
Guess this was the time for a "line". I burst into sobs but the first actual words out of my mouth were, "We have to get married. Right away. That way I can put you on my health insurance." (I've long been convinced that women are more pragmatic than men and I think I proved it right there and then.) Jon said there was no way we'd get married and live together platonically, but I pointed out that there are ways to have sex safely (okay - not 100%, but pretty safely) even with someone who is HIV positive and because we loved each other so much, we'd figure it out. Turns out that Jon had a "line" of his own, though. No matter how much he wanted the same thing I did (and no matter how much he needed health insurance!), he wasn't going to take even the tiniest chance of putting me at risk.
I guess I've figured out what my "line" is. If I love someone enough, there isn't one. I do, however, realize that this might be extreme. I'm enough of a romantic to hope that it's the same for everyone - that when you truly love someone, there is no mountain too high, no river too deep, no disease too serious - but enough of a realist to strongly suspect that that isn't always true.
So is her guy a cowardly, shallow fool? Or capable of overlooking herpes and pretty much anything else if he finds someone he truly loves? I don't know. Nor does she and it's unlikely that we'll ever find out. But in my secret, well-hidden romantic soul, I hope - for his sake - it's the latter.
