Although, like all women, I've been given plenty of reasons not to over the years, the truth is that I love men. And the vast majority of the time, I even like them. What is strange is that, in some ways, I think I'm starting to understand them.
The idea of wanting what they can't have is a defining feature. First, there is a break-up pattern that they rarely seem to avoid. Not matter how ugly the break-up, how traumatized one is by it, just wait five years and he'll be back. Granted, there are the odd instances where this doesn't happen - he realizes he's gay, you make it clear you'll set his hair on fire should you ever see him again - but otherwise - he'll be back.
My high school sweetheart and I had a rather complicated break-up. I thought we were taking a break, he thought he'd get another woman pregnant and then marry her. So that one is long gone, right? Except a few years later, there he was, calling me, unhappy in his marriage, blah blah blah. A bit too late, but somewhat flattering I suppose. (And 20 years later he showed up on my doorstep again. No more mature than the last time and not nearly as flattering.)
My college boyfriend waited until I'd moved to NY and was ecstatic with my new life, to show up and ask me to marry him and return to small-town, rural LA with him. (This one, I think, finally gave up on that particular dream about two years ago.). Frankly, if he'd been a year earlier, I might have been tempted but - hello! NY!
The crazy NY boyfriend didn't actually wait years; he continued to pursue me until he ran out of ways to reach me. (Had to delete a few e-mail addresses, and swear everyone I knew to secrecy, but those are small issues.). Mind you, this one became more and more delusional as time passed. I became deadly serious about avoiding him when he wrote that the 'happiest day' of his life was the day he proposed to me and I accepted. Given that I had no recollection of such a day ever happening (one would remember that, right??), I decided he was a bit too out-there to deal with.
The saga has continued and since most of these are actually decent men, I've remained friends with them, even as I've let them know that we will not be getting back together.
So this is something I have figured out about the male gender - they're much like boomerangs. Mind you, this hasn't been especially useful knowledge for me, but it could help other women. Any woman who truly wants a man she's broken up with and is willing to wait for five years or so, can probably get her wish. I have to assume this works for everyone because it's not like I'm some femme fatale; if I tried to walk sexily into a room, I would trip over my own feet and fall flat on my face. I walk into doorways. Dead sober. But once they realize they've lost you, they're hooked.
The other pattern I've noticed is that those silly things that many of us consider important - shared interests, values, etc. - nonsense! As soon as they sense that you truly aren't interested, their goal is to convince you that you are meant for each other. I was fixed up with a lovely man a few years ago. Quite a nice person but it was obvious from the first five minutes that this wasn't going to lead anywhere. His life revolved around classical music (he was a musician) and baseball. He loved life-risking adventures in the kinds of countries that the State Department warns you against visiting. And he surrounded himself with children whenever possible because he enjoyed being a mentor. When I pointed out that I pretty much only listen to Broadway and C&W and I fall asleep listening to any music that doesn't have lyrics, I loathe all sports, my risky travel adventures focus on learning new subway systems - and I avoid children like the plague - he saw all those as minor points to be laughed away. This is certainly not the first time that a man had no understanding of the concept of deal-breakers (one literally laughed and told me I was being silly when I said I wouldn't date a man who ate meat - he still doesn't understand why I won't go out with him), so again, I don't think this is about me.
However, this understanding leads to a bit of a sticky wicket should I want to date again. The problem is that I have to let men know that they can't have me so they'll want me. Which isn't going to get rid of any of the ones I don't want. But - my luck - it may actually serve to deter any I might desire. I guess my pseudo-anthropological studies will have to continue!
