Universe Calling

I get the feeling that the universe is trying to tell me something, only I'm not entirely sure what it is.  And I suspect it may be something I don't want to know, so my inability to hear it could be the result of my putting my fingers in my ears and my atonal la-la-la'ing to drown it out.  This hasn't been able to squelch the tiny rumbling in my gut, however; the tiny rumbling that indicates that - just possibly - it might be something I need to know, wants aside.

My love of stasis notwithstanding, it's become increasingly impossible to ignore the signs

that things are changing, and not for the better.  Sigh.

First, after things started going wacky at work, I finally had the chance to take the job I want ... only to find that it comes with an enormous salary cut.  Next, I discover that the job I have is not only whacky but is getting worse - it is going to be altered so as to be unrecognizable.  And then I find that they're willing to change it in ways that will improve the altered version, but still make it undesirable.  I also got a job offer out of thin air - flattering and tempting in some ways, but not a job I'd get excited about every day.  And there's another such possibility - same money and benefits as I now have - work I would only partially enjoy.

One of my co-workers had a heart attack.  He's fine, but then another (a dear friend) dropped dead unexpectedly.  A third (no, I do not have dozens and dozens of co-workers) ended up in the ER with chest pains.  She's fine, too, but it's hard not to see these episodes as potent reminders that life is short and uncertain.  Of course, we all know this, but living as though we know it is something else.

It should be such an easy decision; do I go with more money and benefits and settle for tolerating my job or do I do work I love with significantly reduced salary and benefits?  With the former, I have more money to enjoy life outside of work - eating out, theatre, traveling, etc.; with the latter, I can get excited about what I do and feel satisfied that I make a difference for people.  With the former, I can expect to actually retire someday, by sacrificing 40 hours a week for the next many years.  With the latter, I'll be happy for the majority of those 40 hours a week, but may have to work till I die.  

And if I were to die tomorrow?  Which plan would have made the most sense? 

I don't work because I want to.  Given my druthers, I'd never work another day in my life.  I'd do volunteer work and would otherwise just enjoy the plethora of things this life has to offer.  But as my parents were unkind enough to refrain from being obscenely wealthy and as I've yet to win the lottery, even though I have played it - once or twice - if I were to quit work, I'd have to live under a bridge and root through trashcans for food, which is not my idea of enjoying life.

And if one works, and works many hours a week, how much of life can one truly enjoy if all those hours are spent in near-drudgery?  In my experience, being unhappy at work drains one of the energy needed to enjoy hours spent elsewhere.

....

So, of course, I made my choice.  I took the pay cut and the greatly reduced benefits and hope that I'm doing what the universe prefers, even if I'm doing it with my fingers stuck in my ears.  In the meantime, don't be offended if I decline all invitations to go out - I can't afford a social life anymore.