Remember your first crush? How old were you? What did he look like? What made it special?
I remember mine, though I suppose this should be embarrassing - probably on a lot of levels! I was a bit young - three or four - and I had a crush on our paper boy. From all accounts, I had good taste - he was smart, cute and personable. (And gay, but that's a story for a different post.) Seems my parents had been trying to get me to stop using my pacifier, believing that I was too old for it, but I was devoted. One day, however, the paper boy told me that I was too big to use the pacifier and it wasn't becoming. I put it down without a backward glance and never picked it up again.
My next crush came about in kindergarden. Starting a lifelong trend, I developed a crush on the only Jewish (and gay) boy there. His mother and mine held out hope for years that this would actually lead to a romance somewhere down the line.
But I grew older ... and went into first grade. There, there were three boys who wanted me to be their girlfriend. (What is that nonsense about boys thinking girls have cooties until they reach puberty??) Two of the boys used to fight over me at recess every day. So which one did I choose? The third one - who brought me candy - of course. (None of the three were gay, so I had to resort to other methods of choosing.)
There were numerous other crushes, some of which had bittersweet endings such as the fifth grade boy who was moving away and who insisted on giving me his used notebooks as we cleaned out our desks at the end of the year; that seemed a weird sort of "present", but I took them - and spent the next few months swooning over all the "Mike loves Susan" and "Mike + Susan" notations that filled them.
Some ended sadly, with no indication of shared interest. One or two ended with a couple of dates. But the feeling was alway the same. That first moment of realizing that his presence made my heart beat faster, my eyes light up. Those hours of day-dreaming and creating scenarios in my head that led to his cliched declaration of love. The extra primping on days when I might run into him.
And - they're back!
Of course, at some point I realized that there are crushes, and there are show crushes. The latter is a concept everyone in theatre understands, even if they don't admit it. The major difference between the two is that "real" crushes develop out of nowhere, based on the person himself. Show crushes often develop from the heightened intensity of the work the actors are doing, the camaraderie born of late hours, emotions unleashed while in character, and the need to quickly form bonds that must feel real in order to appear real.
One feature of show crushes is that they often end with the closing curtain on the final performance. Someone I lust over night after night during the rehearsal and performance stage appears to me as dull, unattractive or annoying once the show closes. That doesn't mean that these crushes are silly. In fact, they can add a layer of zest to performances as a crush can make one feel more alive and cause one to work harder to impress the object of one's crush.
So - to bring us up-to-date, about a year ago, I did a show and early on developed a crush on one of the men involved. First, he's not my type. (Okay, he's Jewish, but he's not gay, nor does he have the "look" that attracts me. He's not even the larger-than-life, someone with whom I can share the spotlight type.) Second, he's not interested in dating shiksas. And third, there is a HUGE age difference. Even I, who have no problem dating men who are over a decade younger than I, see this particular age difference as daunting (from my perspective) and insurmountable (what I imagine his perspective to be, were he to consider it). But did this prevent me from finagling a seat next to him during notes? Did it stop me from seeking him out to work together during set construction? Did it keep me from finding ways to get him all to myself for stolen moments of breathing in only the air he breathed? Pshaw! It did not.
Still, shows, as do most things in life, come to an end and I figured I'd look back with fondness on this chap who had given me hours of day-dreaming pleasure as well as some charming conversations and witty exchanges. I assumed I'd be happy to count him as a friend as the crush immediately dissipated.
Alas! It's now a year later, I've seen him numerous time since, and not once have I looked at him and thought "How cute that I had a crush on him. Of course, I can't see why, now, but it was fun for a while." Instead, I look at him and think about running my fingers through his hair and wonder what kissing him would be like. Once in a while I dream about him. While sleeping. And I still finagle ways to sit next to him when a group of us gets together.
I keep waiting for him to reveal some fatal flaw that will dissolve this crush. For him to tell me that he never writes thank-you notes (though I know for a fact that he does) or that he undertips waiters (nope - 'fraid not) or disdains recycling (I've no evidence about this one, so I hold out hope - but scant hope). Instead, he shares my values, is thoughtful and unfailingly considerate of those around him, is generous and respectful, extremely intelligent yet humble, funny and unusually talented, responsible, fiscally capable, trustworthy, honest, polite and helpful. And he is straight!!
Okay. Given all of these characteristics, it's probably too much to expect that my crush is going to go away. And I'm realistic enough to know that it's not going to go anywhere else, either. But what a feat! I've managed to find the perfect guy! A guy who, a year into our friendship, still has not exhibited any close-to-fatal flaws. A guy who just seems to get better and better. I've finally managed to choose wisely. It really would be too much to expect that I could actually have him, too, wouldn't it?
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