A Jury of My Peers

I firmly believe that all of us Americans have an obligation to be a good citizen.  To that end, I pay all my taxes without complaint, I never fail to vote, I obey even stupid traffic laws.  According to YahooAnswers, these are the obligations of American citizens.  There is one requirement of citizenship that has been made mandatory, however, that I despise and believe no one should be obligated to perform – jury duty.

Yes, I am quite aware of the reasons why we are subjected to this absurdity.  As a (non-practicing) attorney, I have heard them all numerous times.  That doesn’t mean I buy them.

One common argument is that each of us would want our case to be heard by a jury of our peers should we go to court, so that we should be willing to perform this service for others.  A jury of one’s peers?  This is not even a possibility in most parts of the country. Merriam-Webster defines a peer as “one that is of equal standing with another: equal; especially : one belonging to the same societal group especially based on age, grade, or status “.  I posit that, in this country, one would also need similar intelligence levels and religious and political beliefs to be considered a peer.

Now what are the chances of finding twelve people who meet these criteria to serve on a jury for most of us?  And what happens if you have a jury that is composed of non-peers?

Have you ever sat on a jury?  When I clerked for a federal judge, many years ago, I sat in on jury trial after jury trial.  Some of these juries were asked to understand scientific concepts that were extremely complex, to make sense of them, and then to apply them to the questions at hand.  Yes, some of the jurors were capable of doing this, but others clearly had no idea what was going on.  In criminal cases, these juries were asked to determine the guilt or innocence of defendants while leaving their own biases at the door.  They all felt that they could do that, of course, but I watched patently guilty parties set free for no reason other than that jurors didn’t want to convict someone of that race, that class, whatever.  And on the other side of the coin, all the sentences which have been overturned because later DNA evidence proved one’s innocence makes it clear that juries can be pretty lousy at determining guilt.

Frankly, should I ever be charged with a crime, I wouldn’t want a jury trial.  Unless I were guilty.  Lawyers commonly believe that if one is guilty, one has a better chance with a jury, whereas if one is innocent, one has a better chance with a judge.  And in a civil trial, the only reason for a jury is that one has a good chance, if one’s case is tremendously sympathetic, of being awarded an enormous amount of damages.  Damages that will likely be reduced on appeal, where there are no juries. 

So, I feel no obligation to serve because I would want the same.  I steadfastly believe that the constitutional mandate for a “jury of one’s peers” has long been abandoned.  I have seen no evidence that juries do a decent job of fact-finding (their job – the judge is in charge of the law; the jury in charge of the facts).  It is a financial hardship for all of us whose employers don’t pay us for days spent on jury duty. (And if jury duty is mandated, why aren’t employers required to compensate their employees for performing their “civic duty”?) 

So I decided to figure out how to get out of this.  This used to be fairly do-able.  An employer could write the court and say they couldn’t do without you.  As a medical provider, you could get out of it because you had to see patients.  If you couldn’t afford not to work those days, that would do it.  Now, you practically have to be dead.

Well, dying didn’t seem like the best plan, so what are the other options?  Hard of hearing.  That would need a doctor’s note.  As would any other applicable medical condition.  I could exhibit psychotic behavior in the courtroom, but that runs the risk of being hauled off to a mental hospital.  Can’t read, write or speak English.  Yeah, I don’t think I could pull that one off.  Currently charged with a crime or misdemeanor.  No … wait!  I’m not, but I could be!  Granted, being convicted of one little felony could relieve me of this nonsense forever, but I fear that would have other, less pleasant repercussions.  Still, if I could regularly get charged with a misdemeanor….  Time to do some research!

I looked up misdemeanors and found a partial listing:  narcotics and weapons possession, theft, prostitution, animal cruelty, illegal dumping, destruction of property, threats and simple assault.  A narcotics or weapons possession charge sounds a bit too serious. Obviously, (in spite of what my cats say when I refuse to give them second helpings of food), I’m not about to be cruel to an animal. Being arrested for prostitution, even though I could probably get arrested for solicitation and never actually have to DO anything, would be embarrassing.  Looking at the rest of the list, threats, theft, or simple assault sound good.  Granted, I don’t intend to actually steal something or assault someone, (depending on the person and the situation, threatening…maybe!) but I could get arrested for one of those things and then have the person who accused me drop the charges.  No jury duty, no conviction.  A win-win. 

It goes without saying that one does have to trust one’s accomplice here.  And then there’s the fact that you are defrauding the court so one would have to keep really, really quiet about all this.  All in all, this getting out of jury duty requires a significant amount of effort and more dishonesty than I’m comfortable with.  I think.

Bottom line, though, is that I’d do a great deal not to have to go spend time in a place I hate participating in a system in which I no longer have any faith.  And in which I’ve lost all interest.  I’m wondering how long I can play Angry Birds on my phone before they realize I have no clue what the case is even about.  Yes, I’m sure there are people out there who take this quite seriously and try their best to do an excellent job as a juror.  But at this point, I won’t be one of them.  When I practiced law, I became quite disillusioned with the judicial system (I won’t even call it the justice system, as I think justice has little to do with it) and any participation on my part is unwilling and resentful.  I’ve spent enough of my life in a courtroom listening to half-truths and evasions.  I’m not interested.  Stick me in a jury box to deliberate and I’m going to go with whatever decision is going to get me out of there the fastest.  Guilty?  Innocent? Liable?  Not liable?  I. don’t. care. 

And if I ever wind up in court, you can bet I do NOT want a jury of my peers!